I’ve changed a lot in the last 9 years. (I mean, who doesn’t, really?) In 2003, at the age of 14, my dad passed away suddenly. I was shattered, and like anything that’s been shattered, I was forced to rebuild. But, it is nearly impossible to put the pieces of something shattered into the exact same form that they once held. What emerges is something completely new, built with the same pieces. That’s what I am.
Among other things, I spent a few years consumed by the culture of modern day vampyrism. I conjured many half-baked plans for escaping the country to live with family in Belgium or volunteer in Vietnam. I went through college only to realize that I wasn’t sure that my area of study (graphic design) was for me. I’ve made and lost friends, both from personal differences and from untimely death. But, the one thing that I continue to return to is that nothing quite seems stable. As in, I don’t have that one thing that I come back to as my passion, my purpose in life.
I had an interesting moment last night when again my mind returned to that familiar panic, “What am I doing with my life?”
“I don’t have a passion.” I told my boyfriend as we drove home late last night. “I don’t feel like I have a place where I really belong, or way to impact the world and make it a better place.”
He didn’t understand.
I didn’t know how to explain it. I am surrounded by people who feel they have a very clear purpose. Day has an amazing man who, with her by his side, is creating a literal haven for the like-minded. Stephen is starting an initiative to combat bullying in schools. Nick, my own boyfriend, has his podcast, where thousands of people tune in every week to participate with him in his passion for gaming.
Me? I started this blog because my spirit guides (speaking through other people by the way, because I still can’t figure out how to hear them) told me I should be writing. But, other than that I bounce around from ambition to ambition, experience to experience, looking for something that holds my interest, that stokes my fire, that makes me say “I could do this for the rest of my life.”
…It was in this moment that I realized that I’d been this way all my life, jumping around trying to decide what might be fun. It’s in doing this that I’ve met some of the most intriguing people, tried some of the most peculiar things, and learned my most important lessons.
Maybe I was thinking to much inside the box, thinking that I could only have ONE passion, when maybe my passion is the constant search for new experiences. Why do I have to be an expert in one thing, when I could spend my life trying out everything?
How then, do I impact the world by not committing to one thing? Even as I write this I feel myself wavering, not sure if its possible. The only thing I can think of is that maybe by writing about it, I’ll put a spark of inspiration in someone else. To get out there, to try new things, and most importantly to not be afraid to fail.
So far I’ve had a few people tell me that I’ve inspired them. I feel like the biggest, most fulfilling thing I could accomplish would be to do that on a much larger scale. It’s a cliche sure, but it’s a truth that I resonate with with every fiber of my being. I want to change the world.